“Let’s face it: I’m scared, scared and frozen. First, I guess I’m afraid for myself…the old primitive urge for survival. It’s getting so I live every moment with terrible intensity. It all flowed over me with a screaming ache of pain…remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted. When you feel that this may be good-bye, the last time, it hits you harder.” – Sylvia Plath

makes sense. i get it now. change is a comin even if it breaks me in two. stay tuned.

xo.

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“a mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

i feel like i changed a little today. i sat in my backyard, smoked cigarettes, drank a dr pepper and just thought about everything. ive been hanging on to someone who i fell in love with almost 10 years ago. that person does not exist anymore. in my pretty little naive way, i tricked myself (well he played a part in the trickery as well, ha) into believing that he did. you cant force someone to deal with something the way you would. if they chose to be a coward, you just gotta let them be a coward. you cant change someone’s mind once it is already made up. you have to make the decision to remove yourself from the situation that is toxic because it will not end well for you. misery loves company and for the first time in a long time, i REFUSE to be a part of that for this person. i went heart first into a situation (ps: i dont regret doing that) that had everything working against it and i convinced myself that love would win. well, needless to say it didnt. and surprisingly i didnt lose my faith in love, i still STRONGLY believe love will win when you’re with the right person. my best friend is in a relationship that is real. like really, real. they both love each other with no conditions and support each other. seeing the way she smiles when he walks into a room (and vice versa) makes me believe that love is real and i am so happy she finally gets to experience it. she deserves to be loved like this and i am so lucky i get to see it play out.

i have been settling with dudes for years. its not an easy thing to admit, but it’s true. i would attach myself to the first guy who said i was pretty. i would convince (and try to convince my best friends) that “this time, it feels different” when it never felt different. it always felt wrong. i have finally made a decision that i am actually going to stick with this time around. i am not going to settle anymore. i am not going to try to make pieces fit that just dont belong together. i am not going to be on the look out for my “true love”. i am going to live my life for me and no one else. if a dude comes along that makes me look twice, then i’ll take it from there. at this point i am making things happen for myself. i have finally figured out just what i deserve and what i do not have to deal with. some things about love are meant to be easy; it doesnt always have to be a battlefield. sooner or later i am going to find that sorta love. the sorta love that leaves you breathless and sends shivers down your spine. (hopeless romantic por vida!) as for now, i am going to do me and make myself happy. if a dude finds himself in the mix, well he should thank his lucky stars because i am a fucking catch.

xo.

..be still my heart.

 

…bet it sucks to be you right now.

you take a heart, i can take out you.

the one thing i will never understand is the way people treat other people. i mean, this goes with every situation. when someone has been the most awful person to you, yet you still want to be wanted by them, so turn on your selective memory and only remember the good things. you keep walking into those punches and you take every hit as if it was a kiss on the cheek that is bringing you that much closer to your “happiness”. or when you give all of yourself to someone and you try your hardest to be what they want, and give them exactly what they need, and be there for them at the drop of a dime and yet, they can still treat you as if you never mattered in the first place and you still wait for their “im sorry, i take it all back, i never meant it” phone call. some call this human nature, some call this normal. i am not sure what i want to call it other than unnecessary heartache.

 i have made mistakes and i have not always done the right thing, and there are a number of things i would most certainly do differently. i am not perfect, nor do i claim to be. the one thing i would not change is the way i love people. when i love someone i love with them with everything i have and nothing less. i never expect them to be perfect or anything less than what they choose to be. i believe that when you love someone, you love them for them; nothing more and nothing less. this is how i choose to go into every single one of my relationships wether it be with a love interest or a friend. hell, even a family member. i just wish everyone would mean what they say and say what they mean. i dont think i have ever asked for too much or anyone’s lung but somehow i find myself in the same place. in same set of pjs with the same mascara trails on my pillow. maybe i give all myself too fast. maybe i want something to work out so badly that i bypass anything that could point to it not working out. i dont know. i hope i DO know one day, so i never have to feel like this again. the feeling of being disregarded by someone you adore and love so much is a pretty awful feeling. like i said before, i never asked for too much only the truth. dont sugarcoat situations, dont sprinkle in false hope. give it to me straight and give it to me real. i know i am a pretty sensitive girl and i cry at commercials, but that doesnt mean i wont be able to deal. sometimes things happen and i lose myself. i lose that tawnybird feeling. but, i know i’ll get it back. it may take me a little while, but i’ll get it back. i have the worlds most amazing friends (and mother) and i know they will be there every step of the way. i cant even put into words just how grateful i am for these people. they show me what TRUE LOVE really means and i never have to question that.

 

ps: fuck you, and your untouchable face.