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“love is a form of prejudice. you love what you need, you love what makes you feel good, you love what is convenient. how can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? but you’ll never meet them. all right, so we do the best we can. granted. but we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter. most people make too much of it. on these grounds a good fuck is not to be entirely scorned. but that’s the result of a chance meeting too. you’re damned right. drink up. we’ll have another.”

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my my my, how things have changed.  i dont have the energy to go into it all (working retail during the holiday season is a BITCH) but things have taken a turn. some bad turns, some really really good turns. a good turn you ask? well,  i am moving on up in the corporate world and taking a stab at working as a merchandise administrator- oooooh la la. it’s so interesting and i believe i have found a career path (*gasp*). its amazing to see how things work on THIS end and to see exactly what goes into it.  i can safely say that i just might know what i want to be when i grow up. i would like to a web merchandiser. i never thought i would find something that interests me and challenges me as much as this does. now when family looks at me tell me they are proud of me, i know they mean it and it feels great. sigh. look who’s growing up, bitches.

i’ve finally learned to be by myself and not feel like a loser while doing it. i always thought that you needed someone to be in a relationship with you to feel validated and now even saying that out loud makes me feel like a dumb broad. i am finding out how to depend on myself and make things happen for myself. it is one of the toughest things i have ever done in the 27 years i have been alive, but i like it. i dont need to have a boyfriend to feel worth something to someone else. i know there are a handful of people who really do love me and really do care about my well being and that is more then enough love i need right now.

i know everyone says “im excited for the new year!” and it usually sounds very cliche to me but i really AM excited for the new year. things are going to start happening that have never happened before and it terrifies me but at the same time it excites me. this whole depending on myself thing is a little gnarly and i am going to have to train myself OUT of habits (example: shopping. i do NOT need those new shoes to get by) and INTO brand new ones (example: a savings account). i guess at this point, i am making moves and if you wanna make them with me, then so be it. if not, it was nice knowin ya.

hugs and kisses.

 

you taste like whiskey when you kiss me
i’ll give up anything again to be your baby doll

sit back down on the couch where we
made love for the first time

you said sit back down where you belong
in the corner of my bar with your high heels on

been a long time since i came around
and this time i’m not leaving without you

baby, there’s
something about
you and i

sometimes i sit on my bed and just stare at the wall. i usually do this when i am trying to figure something out or trying to make some sort of decision. i think i have convinced myself that it actually helps. how it helps? ill never know. anyways. my head feels full and jumbled; which i hate. i really need to start writing in this more because i KNOW for a fact; it helps. it’s nice to just get everything out even if it doesnt make sense to anyone else, it doesnt matter. (consider that a disclaimer.)

i am happy. like actually really and truly happy. i have not been this kind of happy in a very long time. i feel like i found my heart again. i have started dating that one boy from my past. you know- the one boy every girl has; the one boy who loved her and broke her like nobody ever has before. granted there are plenty of things that need to be worked out before anything gets super serious with titles and everyday hang out seshs but it’s so nice. our relationship back in the day wasnt the easiest one; there was a lot of button pushing and yelling. we were young and everything that went wrong was ruining my life (oooh to be young). this time around everything feels different. his kisses feel different, the way he holds my hand feels different, the butterflies i get when know he’s coming over; feel different. the way we handle things is different. it’s incredible, to say the least. dont get me wrong, i still have my guard up but this time, i actually WANT it to come down. i feel like our feelings for eachother are the same- yet different. yeah i dont expect anyone else to understand this but believe me; it’s good. it’s real good.

the one thing that is the same is the way he looks at me. oh man. that may be my favorite thing ever. i have never been looked at like this before and i can safely say no one else will ever look at me the way he does. its almost like he’s looking right through me and sees all my faults and imperfections, but keeps looking anyways. its a lovely feeling to know that someone wants to be with you for who you are and not what they want you to be. now with that being said, there is always going to be little things that the other person does or says that will bug or annoy you, but thats the beauty of it. imagine how boring it would be if every relationship was always rainbows and butterflies? we are taking it day by day and i couldnt be more excited about this one. so cross your fingers, k?

sometimes i feel like im too lucky. one top of the good feelings from above i have the most amazing friends, evz. i’ve said this before in the past but i wasted those words on shady characters. every single person that is in my life right now, is there for the long haul and this is the first time i actually believe that. i have always been the girl who just wanted everyone around me to be happy. even if my heart was breaking i would fake the funk so i wouldnt ruin anyone’s good feeling. the friends i have now don’t let me do that. they can sense my broken heart via text message; thats real. its like you want to shout it from the rooftops just how happy and lucky you are, hah. i appreciate every single thing they have taught me and i couldnt imagine my life without them.

ps: john mayer is amazing. that’s all. goodnight.

well, well, well, look whos back.

the past months have been intense. good intense and bad intense. i’ve grown closer to a few and grown apart from others. things are changing, people are coming back and my little head is spinning. i feel like i keep people at arms lengths as a way to protect myself, but i can’t tell if thats working out to my advantage just yet. it’s the tale as old as time; “ive been hurt too many times before” story that everyone likes to tell. i dont want to be like this for the rest of my life. i want to be able to open up and let someone in as far as they are willing to go. we’ll heres to wishful thinking.

my plans for tonight?

upload pictures and write my little heart out.

<3,
tawny.

well. i didn’t write this weekend. i was too busy being lazy and reflecting. 😉

i woke up this morning with a sore throat. i am for sure getting sick and that really bugs the shit out of me. i am such a baby when i’m sick. i can not wait til this day is over so i can go home and go right back to bed. my whole body is starting to ache; lovely.

so much BULLSHIT has been going down lately; it’s hard to choose where to start! well. my mom and father are DATING. no one is okay with it, but her. me and my mom have drifted so far apart, it’s ridic. it’s the most depressing thing to watch your best friend move further and further away and there is nothing you can do about it. i’ve tried. i’ve told her/wrote her letters about how i feel. she says “she’s sorry” and nothing. i’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that my mom forgave my father for all the hell he put us through so quickly and fell back in love with him, but i can’t grasp it. she tells me to “let my walls down”. she taught me how to build these walls and he was has always been the reason for them. i dont know. it all makes me feel dizzy.

i’m reaching my “one year’ at work. i’m excited! i get a cute little pin and what not. it’s a good feeling. 🙂

i really cant keep writing in this today even though there is a WHOLE lot more, i’d like to say. my head is pounding, my eyes are watering, my throat is scratchy, UGH. i would ask to leave early BUT two people called out sick already, so that wouldn’t be fair. bah humbug.

sickly,
tawny.

i will write in this, this weekend.

you bet your sweet ass i have a lot of updating to do.

smooches,
tawny.

what a night, what a headache. here’s a little backstory:

i don’t speak to my father. i haven’t seen him since i was in the 5th grade. the last time i spoke to him (via letters) i was in 9th grade and i was bitter as all hell. from what i know; one day he picked up and left. there wasn’t much communication on either end. i was a hurt little girl who always felt like i was the reason my dad left. when he wrote me the first time, i wasn’t very nice. i wanted him to feel how i felt. hurt, abandoned, etc. i put him outta my mind. i was convinced i would never see or hear from him again. i honestly thought he was dead. a few months ago i told my mom i wanted to find him. she said, okay then let’s do it. we tried little things and nothing. then today my whole world got turned upside down. it went something like this:

mom: “oh my god. tawny, mom you guys have to come see this.”
tawny:”i dont wanna, im eating a grilled cheese.”
grams:”what?”
mom: “michael found me on myspace!”
tawny: “michael who?!”
mom: “your dad.”
tawny’s heart: sank.

i have been waiting so long for this. but now that it’s staring me in the face, i’m terrified. at the same time i’m so excited. i can’t wait to show him what his daughter is like now that she’s old enough to talk. i can’t wait see how much we are alike. i have a feeling we laugh the same. we almost have matching tattoos, freaky. with all that being said i’m also still pissed. i’m pissed he left. i’m pissed he could walk away from me AND my mom. i’m pissed he wasn’t there when my nana died. i’m pissed he wasn’t just, there. i’m scared i’m not going to be able to let go of the grudges i hold against him. i’m scared that i won’t be able to look him in the face. i’m scared he’s going to disappear again. i don’t think i’d be able to handle that.

i have three vivid memories of my father. one is a conversation he had with me at my nana’s house. he said, “mom probably wont let you have a corvette, but i will.” another one is one day he picked me up from nana’s to get thrifty’s ice cream. (his favorite was mint n chip) on the way there he put on sweet child of mine and held my hand the entire drive. finally, he always called me baby girl. i was HIS baby girl and i loved it. then after he left, hearing the words baby and girl in sentence made me sick. i started to hate him. i hated him for what he did to my mom. i hated him for leaving me and not giving any sort of explanation. i did the only thing i knew how; i pushed it as far away as possible. at the same time i have missed him since the day he left.

he wrote me via myspace and called me babygirl. he said he wants to fix everything. i can’t even explain how long i’ve been waiting for those words from him. i told him i couldn’t handle it right now and i need time. he wrote back and said “that’s fine i understand and i’ll be here when you’re ready -DAD.” seeing the word “dad” freaked me out and made me happy at the same time.

my entire life my mom never ONCE said anything bad about my dad. she always wanted me to make my up my own mind about him. when i said i hated him, she let me. when i said i wanted to find him she tried her hardest to locate him. that is one strong woman and i hope one day i can be just as strong as her. i hope he knows what an amazing thing he lost when he lost my mom. it’s like throwing away the winning lottery ticket when YOU KNOW it was worth millions.

i’m going to take this day by day, minute by minute. i know i want him in my life. i know i can’t just walk away from this because i’m not him. i have to let go of the grudge and the anger i have for him. i want my dad in my life. i want to be able to talk to him. i want to be able to hug him. god, i really want to hug him.

this is the most vulnerable i have ever felt in my entire life. i know i’m not going to be able to do this on my own. i’m gonna need all the help i can get.

-tawny.

dun dun dun, I got the full time position and I started today! I’m so excited! I’m gonna get more money, benefits and hopefully a chance to broaden my work horizons soon! I’m really proud of myself and what’s even better is I can tell moms and grams are too. sometimes I do feel like I’ve let them down due to not going to college so its nice to know I’ve finally done something right.

there’s a lot more I want to talk about, I just can’t bring myself to write it all down right now. I’m drained physically and emotionally and I wouldn’t even know where to start. everything is a jumbled mess in my head and I’m sorta okay with that. chaos makes me feel at ease. I know, I know. get used to it people; I’m a walking contradiction.

sweet dreams,
tawny.